I am a people pleaser. Always have been. I put others’ happiness before mine, even if it means I am hurt in the process. I used to say “You could drive a car over my foot and I’d apologize for having my foot in the way.” Ugh…it makes me cringe just typing that but it was the truth.
Then.
And one day, something changed inside of me. I no longer wanted to be the girl that everyone walked all over. I was sick of saying “yes” to every single situation in my life due to my fear of letting others down.
I am proud of my growth over the years and how I’ve learned to stand up for myself. Prior to moving to New York City, I had family and friends telling me “you better toughen up if you think you’re going to survive there.” I was so angry at them for saying that but it was the harsh truth. I was a pushover and I needed to change!
There is nothing wrong with wanting to see others happy. It’s a beautiful quality that not everyone is born with so if you have it, embrace it! With that being said, it is also normal to feel joy when others like you. It is part of our human nature to desire acceptance from one another. Why do you think social media is such an indispensable part of our lives? It’s the feeling you get when 200 likes appear on one of your Instagram photos. Maybe it doesn’t consume you but it feels good, doesn’t it?
Saying “no” isn’t always easy. At times, it can be so difficult that we say “yes” to engaging in activities or events that we dread! How many times have you agreed to have dinner with that friend that absolutely sucks the living daylight out of you? Maybe you’ve attended a party to end up sipping a mediocre cocktail while making painful small talk? I’m cringing just picturing you going through those moments in your head right now. Did you make it through those times? Of course. Did you gain anything from doing the things that you had no desire in doing? Maybe you did but chances are the displeasure outweighed the pleasure in those situations.
Saying “no” was such a scary and foreign territory for me. But after 20 some odd years of constantly pleasing others and never putting myself first, I decided I’d had enough! It wasn’t anger or resentment that I was feeling but rather a desire for self care. I wanted to begin caring for myself as beautifully as I cared for others. I wanted to put my happiness on a pedestal and only allow in people and experiences that brought richness and meaning to my life. When I began putting myself and my wellbeing as the front runner, it literally felt like a cement block being lifted off of my shoulders! It was the most freeing and exhilarating experience. I may be sounding a bit dramatic about this topic, but after spending your entire life striving to please others, it was like drinking a Pina colada on a white, sandy beach. Oh, that sounds delicious right now. : )
We spend our childhood hearing the word “no” relayed to us as a negative response. Our parents would say “no” after hearing our requests to eat cookies for dinner or to stay at the park for just five more minutes! Now that we are adults (and can eat cookies for dinner every night of the week if we please) we are given the permission to say “no” to anything that does not suit our way of living. Realizing that you no longer need that toxic friend in your life is a proud awakening of your mind acknowledging your self worth and saying “no” to negativity. Saying “no” to gossip is a great one, too! This world needs as much positivity and as many kind hearted souls as possible. Whatever you need to do to be that person, do it! You owe it to the universe and more importantly, you owe it to yourself.
What I hope you’ve gained is this. You are your own boss! Sure, you may have a boss at your workplace that mandates your work day, but you mandate your life! You are in control of your happiness and peace and should not let anyone or anything obstruct your path to the life you deserve. You are in control of your happiness. Never let anyone impose guilt in your mind for taking time for yourself. You are one of a kind and only you know what lights your soul on fire! If it isn’t lit by cocktails with “Miss Complains a Lot” then just say “no!” The sense of relief and calm that you will feel will outweigh any small dose of guilt that might creep in. You are the director in this movie so lets create the plot that we want, not the plot that others want for us.
So, my lovelies…who’s ready to live life authentically and unapologetically?!
You are one, seriously strong ball of magic!
Love, Carrie
The art of saying “yes!” coming soon!
Hi Carrie- Thanks for blogging about this.. I think so many of us can identify with what you wrote. I’m a total people pleaser and care giver (I’m an RN). At 65, I’m now finally learning how to say NO. (Took long enough) Being raised in an Italian Catholic family I had my share of guilt thrown my way. My parents taught me the women that everyone else’s needs were first to their needs. Another important part here (as you and Jayme mentioned) not feeling like you need to explain why you’re saying no and…not feel guilty. It’s hard breaking those old tapes/habits, I’m getting more comfortable saying no and to be/feel ok with it, I admit I’m a work in progress.
Look forward to reading more of your blog 🙂
Good morning Carrie – well at least it is morning here in the States – I absolutely totally related to this blog. I am glad at your young age you talk about this – there are those of us at our old age that continue to be “yes” people – it wears me out especially physically now – I just love helping people and seeing them smile – Carrie continue being the beautiful person you are – God Bless
Good morning Carrie – well at least it is morning here in the States – I absolutely totally related to this blog. I am glad at your young age you talk about this – there of those of us at our old age that continue to be “yes” people – it wears me out especially physically now – I just love helping people and seeing them smile – Carrie continue being the beautiful person you are – God Bless
And now I see I’ve posted twice.. no, now thrice.. I’ll get the hang of this😂
Author
hehe that’s ok! I’m still working on how to post, too. We’ll learn together! hehe : )
So glad I read this! I identify! Learning to say no myself. While it causes me to feel uneasy at the time, I am always proud that I advocated for myself. Still feel twinges of guilt though, but it passes and then I do my happy dance😁 Thank you for this❤️
Thank you Carrie! I completely identified! I, too, have given myself permission to say no. Saying it simply, kindly without the need to explain. It is amazing for me AND others. Still struggle sometimes with a tinge of guilt but it’s getting easier!
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Hi Jayme! YES! Oh, I love what you mentioned about “not needing to explain.” I find myself doing that so often, as well. Even when I cancel a dentist appointment. I feel the need to explain to the receptionist why I’m cancelling and how my coffee spilled, my car broke down and I have the flu, haha. It’s just so unnecessary and I’m still working on doing these things unapologetically and without explanation. So glad that you’ve given yourself permission to live a gorgeous life, unapologetically : ) Thanks so much for being here and checking out my blog!
Hello Carrie,
Heard so much about you from your Mom.
Anxious to keep reading about your life!
Great job.
Author
HI Linda! That is so, so kind of you to stop by and check out my blog : ) I really appreciate it. I’ve had so much fun building it and now comes the fun part. Sharing all the good stuff with you guys! I couldn’t be more excited and I’m so glad you’re here!
Love it and this sounds just like me! Ha ha
Author
Hehe, yes Cheryl. I feel like most of us can relate to this, can’t we?! So many of us are people pleasers (which isn’t always a bad thing!) It means that we care so much about others which is a trait that we should hold close to us. But sometimes…you’ve just got to do what’s best for you!