Accio Identify-My Hogwarts House Identity Crisis

I knew from a very young age where I belonged in this world. It was my pre-school graduation and all of the parents were there. Each child stood proudly on the makeshift stage, accepted a diploma and said what they wanted to be when they grew up. If their estimations were correct, we’d have an exorbitant amount of princesses and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles running around right now.

But not me.

I knew exactly what I was going to be and where I belonged in this world. I stood on that wooden box as the final kid to accept her diploma (my last name began with a “Z”…lucky me) and I proudly exclaimed that I was going to be an actress.

I reveled in the “oohs” and “ahs” from the parents and the fact that they, too, were excited by my life’s purpose.

Theatre was in my being. It was where I belonged.

30 years and a few butterbeers later, I find myself on the Pottermore website. My brother and I have always been huge Harry Potter fans and I decide that at the sprightly age of 34, it is only natural that I be sorted into my Hogwarts House.

The questions seem a bit nonsensical but I can see where they’re going with this. Lightness or darkness, flying or disappearing, standing up or stepping back. Interesting.

One thing I’ve learned throughout my time on social media is that you can control how others view you. You can portray a person or character that could contain very little of who you actually are but rather who you want to be. But that’s not the case with the Sorting Hat. Just as the wand chooses the wizard, the Hat always chooses correctly.

I’m continuing with the questions, thinking thoroughly and answering honestly. Just as I knew 30 years ago standing on that wooden box, I know now exactly where I belong. All of the values and morals and causes I stand for in this life, I can already picture myself in that red and gold scarf. Ok, last question. “which of the following would you most hate people to call you?” Ordinary, of course. Because I am anything but.

The Hat is thinking. He is choosing. Just a few more seconds and I am being sorted into…

HUFFLE what now?!

No, no, no. There has got to be some mistake. The house that is known as the “leftover” house?! Absolutely not.

There must be some issue with the site. The quiz. That’s fine. I’ll just take it again.

“Which would I rather be?” Trusted, liked, imitated, praised, envied, feared. Well, trusted, of course. You don’t want some flake running around in the Gryffindor common room spewing out fake news and flaky gossip.

Ok, here we go. Phew! Thank goodness for two email addresses. Alright, he’s thinking…hopefully a bit more clearly this time! It’s ok. Gryffindor can still forgive. Alright here we go and I am sorted into…

It’s broken.

The website is clearly broken. There’s a glitch. They gave me the wrong questions. Technology these days. Ha! I tell ya.

Hermione Granger. Fierce. Brave. That is me. I am Gryffindor. But this Sorting Hat is giving me a major headache right now as it keeps placing me in the wrong house. I am not Hufflepuff, I despise yellow and I don’t have another email address!

I conjure up some bogus email address and take the quiz, once more (yes. I am that person. Emma Watson would not approve.) I am too busy dreaming of eating Treacle tarts in the Gryffindor common room to acknowledge the fact that I may have purposely altered my answers a bit. Just as you can be who you want to be on social media, I can and WILL be in this house. It’s where I belong. “Given the choice, would you rather invent a potion that would guarantee you glory, wisdom, power or love?” Not love. I can’t choose love this time. Glory. The guts and glory of Gryffindor.

The hat is working its magic. This is the time. Get ready. Better be…

GRYFFINDOR!

Ah! Finally! I can relax. No more confusion or making up false email addresses to cure my identity crisis. I am Gryffindor and this feels amazing!

I think.

I am thrilled to see my Pottermore account lit up with scarlet and gold around my name. I go on to find that my wand is made of Laurel wood and my patronus is a minx cat. Cool! I am Gryffindor and all is well. The only thing left to do is to go on Etsy and buy a cute Gryffindor hair tye (34 years old) that I can wear to Harry Potter World. 

Because I am Gryffindor. And I am proud!

Have you ever cheated at anything in life? Maybe you opened your eyes at the beginning of hide and seek or scored a 98% on your 9th grade math quiz because you peered over at Susie’s paper. You know that sinking feeling in your gut? You’ve succeeded but not under the right conditions.

I had “succeeded.” But the smell of success was anything but sweet.

UGH! Whyyyyy do I have a conscience?! (damn you, Helga Hufflepuff.) I felt guilty for even signing on to my Pottermore account. As soon as I saw that Gryffindor symbol, I immediately felt wrong. As a stark contrast to my graduation day on that wooden block, I now had absolutely no idea where I belonged.

Time passed. I forgot about my Hogwart’s identity crisis (a pandemic will do that.) Until my husband and I decided to visit Harry Potter World (escapism in its finest of forms.) The uncertainty  came pouring back in as I stared at the gorgeously overpriced house sweaters. I looked in the mirror as I held up the Gryffindor sweater. Man, I looked good (red is my color.) I could see my husband laughing as he (unfortunately) knows the depth of my crisis. I held up the Hufflepuff sweater. It’s just…so plain.

A ride on Hagrid’s motorbike and an order of fish ’n chips later, I found myself moping. Why is this house thing such a thing?! Does it really matter if you stay true to yourself 100% of the time in this life? In our world’s current climate, one in which we are striving to be as inclusive as we possibly can, why would I deny my fundamentally correct belonging to a house that stands for just that?

So, I did what any sane, Aries born millennial would do. I took the test again.

This is the last time. Whatever the Hat chooses is who I truly am. No lies. No confusion. This is me.

There I stood, somewhere in the shade between Olivander’s and the Frog Choir as I saw my results.

You know, I’ve never been a good test taker. I would get up in front of the classroom and nail a presentation but then completely bomb the test. I took my SAT’s three times and still believe that those results have absolutely no real representation of my knowledge and skill.

But now, quite possibly for the first time in my life…

I agree with my results.

I know in my core that I am courageous and strong and brave. I sometimes act impulsively and I always fight for what’s right and fair. I also know that I would fight the good fight but I may not be on the front line. I value my friendships deeply and do all that I can to make sure those around me are taken care of. 

Can you be a little bit of both? Sure you can. Look at Harry with his unwavering loyalty to Gryffindor yet constantly questioning whether or not he belonged in Slytherin. r/harrypotter on Reddit (yes, I got to that point) said “would you rather be a puff among lions (like Neville) or a lion among puffs (perhaps like Cedric, who was courageous but valued kindness and fairness more.) I’ve always strived to get out of the “big fish in a small sea” scenarios in life and therefore, should technically strive to be in Gryffindor. But there is also something to be said about being a leader amongst those that are most likely to be impacted by your actions. It’s about trusting that you are exactly where you need to be.

There is a bit of each house in every one of us. Just as we are filled with both lightness and darkness, it is what we do with those attributes that defines who we truly are.

I am happy to say that I have accepted my Hogwarts House.

But don’t think you’ll see me walking around with that yellow and black scarf anytime soon. I just can’t with the yellow.